Updated: Mar 16, 2021
First up I'm not a sexuality coach. It's not yet in my remit to guide women to discover their authentic sexual selves...although I do think that this can begin to happen with many forms of self-exploration.
Just a woman on a journey of sexual self discovery.....
I'm speaking to you as a woman who has taken a journey to discover my own sexuality. A journey from being a young woman who made a fucking huge mess in my 20's and 30's by using sex to get my needs met. To a woman who had a big fucking wakeup call and took the bold (and it is bold) step to rediscovering who I was as a sexual being. Me. Not how I could pleasure others (that came later!).
What were my own unique flavours of my own sexuality? Where was I shutting down sexually? How did I relate sexually? What did I like? What turned me on? What shut me down? Where was I sensitive and de-sensitised?
Where are our mentors?
I feel like many women (and I can speak of women in my peer group...but I'm pretty sure it's a much much broader range than that) are not mentored in positive and conscious sexuality at all growing up. Imagine for a moment if we were taken aside by an older wiser woman and told about the power and pleasure that our body was capable of experiencing? That our sexual power was a creative force and that we can give ourselves a huge amount of pleasure without the need for a partner! What if we were taught how we could do that? And what if we felt that power for ourselves before venturing off into the world of relating sexually with others? How much would that have changed our story? I know it would have changed mine in a big way.
Growing up with zero guidance outside of the 'Just 17' problem page (who remembers that?) and reading 'Forever' by Judy Bloom when I was 8 (I got grounded when my Mum found out I was reading that book), I had zero clue about my body and what pleasure it was capable of experiencing. I was curious though, so curious. But my curiosity was most certainly kept hidden. It was not ok to talk about it. And well, we know what happens when we keep an aspect of ourselves hidden in the shadows...it seeps out...in not such healthy or pretty ways! Bad partner choices. Staying in unhealthy relationships. Zero clue about what my own boundaries were and so stepping over them time and time again.
Imagine for a moment if we were taken aside by an older wiser woman and told about the power and pleasure that our body was capable of experiencing?
After 20 years of stumbling around in the dark, and I'm not kidding about the timeline here, I finally woke up to the damage I was doing to myself physically, emotionally, spiritually. And so, the journey began.
It's been a huge awakening for me. A process that began nearly 10 years ago now and is ever evolving. I'm nowhere near done, I'm not sure I will ever be. This journey that has allowed me to experience some profound moments and some very challenging ones. I believe it’s the journey that has brought me to my current very beautiful and healthy love relationship. And most importantly it has brought me back to myself.
We know what happens when we keep an aspect of ourselves hidden in the shadows...it seeps out...in not such healthy or pretty ways!
So how about you? I'm guessing if you're still reading then some of what I'm speaking about resonates with you. What was your story growing up? How did that effect your relationships with others? Have you spent any time learning about who you are sexually?
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Do post your reflections below, I love receiving them and will always read them and try to respond.