If you are anything like me you grew up with the belief that there was an 'ideal' way of relating romantically which involved one man and one woman.
You meet in a timely fashion. Make some babies and never have sex with another person as long as you live (I also went to Catholic school) and thats that!
I never really bought into marriage, coming from a broken home I had no great examples to mentor me but I did assume at some point I would meet the man and take the above steps in our relationship.
Whats the saying? 'assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!' ?.
Well this idealised narrative was not the path my love life took. Not at all. It was more like relationship disaster after relationship disaster. Meeting and dating the wrong men...for years! All through my 30s pretty much while all my girlfriends seemed to be getting married and having kids I was scouring tinder (or whatever the app du jour was!) despiratly tryng to find 'THE ONE'. Endless shitty dates and unfulfilling encounters which continued until I saw that what I was doing was highly damaging and not helping me in my quest for domestic bliss! If you were in my inner circle at that time and are reading this...thankyou for looking after me!
A lot of mess...alot of drama!
Thankfully my life imploded sufficiantly enough that I realised I had to make a big shift and I began my quest to come home to myself. This quest of re-connecting to my body and re-establishing a healthy relationship with myself as a sexual being led me into the world of concious sexuality. I started by having a number of Tantric massages. These were incredible experiences. A tantric massage can include intimate massage and works with our sexual energy or in Yogic Philosophy, Kundilini energy. They can (and were for me) powerful and healing experiences. In my experience it was important to work with a female practitioner as I still couldn't come from a place of authenticiity with men yet.
This experience led me to hear about an organisation called ISTA ( International School of Temple Arts). ISTA is a large global organisation that runs week long immersive and intensive trainings that can help to initiate participants into their own sexuality and then from there relating with others. The trainings can help to teach people what their boundaries are when relating to others. Show them where they are shut down. Teach them to have honest / open communication about their sexual and relationahip status. Help them to discover what touch they enjoy. What opens their body and what closes them down. You know all the stuff we could do with learning BEFORE being let loose having sex as teenagers!
The trainings I took with ISTA in 2018 and beyond were by far the edgist thing I had ever done at that point and for sure would not be for everyone. They were also one of the most heart opening and delicious experiences of my life to date.
As someone who has been doing Yoga for many years and been on SO many yoga trainings both in India and the rest of the world. I thought I was 'embodied' but I truly felt like I had totally missed out the part where I was actually connected to my body once starting this work.
As someone who had never really felt SAFE during the sexual occasion, more disconnected and tuned out. This was what I had been looking for! This was the beginning of my sexual liberation...I began to attend more gatherings and trainings. I became connected with a new community of people. I even met my partner at one of them!
I'm not saying that this road is all sweetness and no dark. It is not an easy path and not for everyone. But in my experience and many of my 'peers' it has been an incredibly positive and worthwhile one to take.
You may be feeling curious about this aspect of yourself. But perhaps feeling nervous to start the journey? (and it is one hell of a journey!). You may feel fearful about what you might uncover? or you may feel like its too late and you should have delt with this years ago?
But this is a HUGELY important peice for many of us to explore. And I share this information about my journey so it may inspire you to begin your own and also to share that......
1) Our sexuality has very little to do with being young and fertile and looking certain way. In fact I feel the older we get, the more we know ourselves the sexier we are. One of the sexiest women I know is in her 70's! I feel I am just at the beginning of my journey and I'm 45 this year!
2) There is always more to learn and explore. You don't have to take the same route as me. Not at all...there are many flavours available!If you are curious, get exploring!
3) Our sexuality and sexual energy is our life force and should not be something for which we are ashamed. Our bodies are made for pleasure...did you know that the female clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings thats double the amount in the end of the penis...just saying!
A wise word......If you are interested in starting your own journey of sexual discovery then do your research! Here's some resourses below that I know to be credible starting points. Just as in many other fields and professions there are amazing practitioners and those acting from a place of in authenticity. It's really important that we go to the right people for us. It's important too that we honour where we are in our journey and what is right for us in that moment. Knowing ourselves well enough to listen and hear what our body wants when working in the realm of sexuality is super important.
Amelia Griffiths - Yoni Mssage + Sacred Sexuality (London)
Mama Gena - Books and courses
Michaela Boheme's courses and her book 'The Wild Woman's Way'
Naomi Wolf - her book Vagina is SO good!
And if you'd like some support in the form of 121 coaching get in touch with me or check out my 3 month programme Belong. It's a perfect introduction on the journey back to yourself and discovering who you are as a sensual / sexual woman. This programme is only running in this format for a while longer and then my prices will be increasing so if you want to take advantage of this super reasonable offer get in touch!